My thoughts

I have been thinking lately about how fast time goes by.  It seems like it was yesterday that my parents, my brother and I were living together in our little house.  I have wonderful memories as child, being loved and taken care of by my parents, having no worries about anything.  My brother and I were the center of my parents' life and even my grandmother's life who so lovingly took care of us as my mother went to work.  I had a wonderful childhood.  As I think about these things I realize and I guess it is normal as you get older to think a lot about your past.  When you are young, you have a big future ahead of you and that is what you think about, your dreams, hopes, your career, family and many other things.  The stage that I am in right now is kind of like a middle, I think back and also forward.  Thinking back, it is hard to believe that so much has happened in my life.  I write these things so that I don't forget them.  We are told to keep a journal and this is my journal.   I don't do it to boast or to feel better than anyone or to have people feel sorry for me, since that is NOT something I like to do.  I do it so that I don't forget them so that I remember how blessed I am.  Thinking back to when I left Puerto Rico, I knew in my heart that is what I needed to do.  I remember the excitement of being on the plane on my way to Utah, and my new life. This was about June 3rd, 1983, and I was 17 years old.  I turned 18 in September.  My heart had mixed emotions.  Leaving my family and all that I knew behind was HARD!  My parents did everything for me, but I was anxious to learn and do things on my own.  I needed to grow!  It was the best decision for me then to move.  I was told that I would not survive by myself, perhaps because they saw how I was raised and I don't blamed them, my parents babied me. But I did just fine! In about a month I will have been living in the United States for 30 years! That is pretty much my whole life. A lot has happened in those 30 years. I married, had a child, became a widow and a single mother and married again and it all happened so fast, all in the first 5 years of being in the United States. Losing a husband in a tragic car accident and becoming a single parent overnight is hard to take.  I feel it is easier to talk about it now.  I probably should have had some sort of counseling but I did not.  I felt so alone and that no one cared.  I was bitter and angry.  I moved to Provo to go back to school and nobody in the Ward cared.  You hear about President Monson and how he cared for the widows, well that did not happen to me. I didn't know my bishop. I was active, I went to church every Sunday.  I was living in an apartment with my cousin and his wife and above us was a member of the bishopric but he never visited me.  The bishop never visited either, only my visiting teachers and they did not know how to talk to me either.  I think they felt awkward, they were young mothers themselves and probably felt sorry for me.  I did not want people to feel sorry for me!  I kept wearing my wedding ring because I did not want anyone to think bad of me like I was divorced or had a child and was not married.  I was very depressed and sick to my stomach for a long time.  I was angry at life and felt that what was happening to me was not fair.  I moved to Provo because I was young, I was 21 years old and wanted to be around members my age and have a chance to find a good husband.  Even though I was angry I was thankful that I was young and still had my life ahead of me and I knew that some how things would turn around and good things would come my way, although I felt that no return missionary would ever want to marry me, a widowed mother.  So I concentrated on taking care of Ashley and going to school and making friends.  I would go to activities and tried to live a normal life.  Eventually my anger went away, my stomach issues stopped and I started feeling better about my future.  I was happy and was enjoying life.  When my attitude had changed is when I met Brent.  I knew when I saw him that I would marry him.  I remember like it was yesterday, when he walked in the room and the thought entered in my mind that "he was the only one that could handle my situation."  Can you imagine being told that he was the only one!! That there was no one else who would understand my situation!!! This was the answer to my prayer.  I thought no one would ever married me and that I would be alone for the rest of my life.  I was kind of preparing myself to be alone but I did not want to. Heavenly Father answered my prayer. But there was a problem, Brent was not interested. He loved playing with Ashley and felt SORRY for me.  I pleaded with Heavenly Father and said; "I don't know what to do".  I could not go to Brent and say, hey we are supposed to get married!  So my friend Julie and I decided to invite Brent and his roommate Todd to Preference dance at BYU.  We left an invitation with cupcakes at their apartment door.  I thought he was going to say no.  But he said yes!  We talked a lot that night and I felt I was the luckiest girl because Brent was such a nice guy.  I did not know him, this was really the first time that we talked and got to know each other.  After that Brent again was back to feeling sorry for me.  I kept praying because I did not know what to do. Then I had a thought, I have to do something so that he will think of me. I felt I should leave a note one morning on the windshield of his car.  I would drive by his apartment early in the morning because I had a car and was the "taxi" to all my friends. I would drive them all to UVU (then it was UVSC). They all lived in the apartment building next to Brent at the Glenwood so I would drive by his car in the morning. Because it was winter and the windshield was wet I would put the notes in plastic sandwich bag.  I sure hoped that he did not think I was crazy, but I did not know what else to do. My notes just basically said that I wished him to have a good day.  I guess it worked and he started to notice me and he later told me he was praying about me! He got the answer that he was supposed to marry me and the rest is history!  I learned that with the Lord nothing is impossible.  He answered my prayer but I had to work! He doesn't do everything for you, He wants you to do your part and learn to trust Him.

Here we are 25 years later on Tuesday, May 7th.  Life has not been easy and we have had our share of trials but again I am thankful that I learned at the very young age of 21 that I can trust in the Lord and that I know that things happen for a reason and that we can learn from our trials. I am thankful to have gone through all of that and all the other things in my life.  You don't think about it at the moment, "oh yeah I am thankful to be a widow!" But it is after a period of time when you look back and you see how you have been blessed and how the Lord has been there to help you and strengthen you and that he never left you alone that you are thankful for having gone through them.

I have met people who are surprised to see how long we have been married.  Brent and I have the most wonderful relationship. We LOVE each other and we are best friends.  I don't like it when he is out of town, in part because I think I have "traumatic stress disorder", again I should have gone to a counselor, but mostly because I don't like being away from him.  Every time he travels I worry something will happen.  I am getting better but I still worry.  We love doing things together, we don't get tired of being together. I go out with my friends during the day but at night I want to go out with him and no one else. Over the years we have learned to consult with each other about everything.  Even on little things, we call each other all day long and tell each other what is going on. I love how we are like one person now. When he is feeling overwhelmed, I feel it too, I can sense it over the phone.  We were young when we got married so we have grown up together.

Now looking forward there is still so much we have ahead of us, but I can wait.  I don't need the next 25 years to go as fast as these 25 years have gone.  I want life to slow down a little!!

I am thankful that Heavenly Father led me to Brent on that October day.  He put me and him where we needed to be.  He is the most wonderful husband who treats me like a queen, we are partners and we are equal and he has always treated me that way. He helps me be a better person.